Old Underwear

Old Underwear According to a brief study published yesterday an astonishing 1.7 million Britons still wear pants they bought more than 10 years ago.

More than a quarter [ of the men] admitted wearing the same smalls for two days running - without washing - compared to just seven per cent of women.

Hmm. Maybe. But men do not actually leak out gallons of sticky nanogoo into their 'smalls' every day, do they?

Yep; this site is likely to sink far deeper into the pits of bad taste over the next few days because it's freezing round here.

I haven't felt warm in ages.

Indeed, I am so fed up with this weather that if I hear another eco-fascist on the radio telling me that these freezing temperatures are the result of global warming, I am going to drive round to the studio and throw rocks covered with snow at them.

That would cheer me up!

Is it me? Or am I being followed?

Everywhere I go these days on the internet, I seem to be being followed by a horde of seething adverts trying to sell me something that I was looking at only yesterday.

A few weeks ago, I thought that I would browse around for a new washing machine; but, in the end, I decided that the old washing machine was good enough!

After all, wet is wet!

But, for days thereafter, I was pursued by washing machine adverts wheresoever in the world I travelled.

Whether I was in downtown New York, or somewhere in the foothills of Uzbekistan, I had these washing machine adverts thrust into my face whenever I loaded a webpage.

Sometimes those ads were from my local store!

How did they know where I was?

It was driving me nuts.

I felt that I was being chased right across the planet - a bit like James Bond; but without any of the excitement, and no girls to mop up my secret juices.

And then I made the mistake of checking out the latest deals on a broadband connection, and I have been positively bombarded with sumptuous deals offering me twice the speed at half the price ever since.

It has completely ruined my week - because I am now totally dissatisfied with my current service.

Those charlatans have been robbing me blind for years!

Worse. The adverts don't actually stop even if you buy a product.

Wherever you go thereafter, your new webpage will be plastered with colourful pictures showing you all the better deals that you missed.

You simpleton!

Your new purchase was a total lemon.

It was the worst choice imaginable.

Only a fool would have fallen for it.

You have been tricked, cuckolded and left destitute.

In fact, you have been abused most heinously!

But  it's too late!

You have used the product and thrown away the packaging.

Now, all you have left are those adverts; to keep reminding you - over the next few months - of all those superior products that you could have possessed instead; if only you were not such a poor judge of quality and, of course, a total and perpetual loser.

Good job I wasn't thinking of buying a noose!

Forced Out Of His Own Home In a bizarre case before the courts, an Edmonton man has been forbidden from going to his own home while his girlfriend - whom he has told to get out - is still living there.

Lest it has escaped your notice, feminists have been arguing for some time now that where domestic violence is alleged, men should be required to leave the premises even if it is they, themselves, who have exclusive ownership of them.

Hence, a word of advice.

NEVER let a woman - particularly a single mother - into your own home for more than an hour, and please make sure that your internal CCTV systems and microphones are fully operational at all points in the building.

A handful of witnesses positioned appropriately at various points around the terrain - with perhaps one or two concealed in the garden, both front and back - will further help to insure against any false allegations being made.

But, be warned.

Until the case gets to court, which could take weeks, you will need somewhere to live. So do not forget to purchase a tent, a sleeping bag and an extra toothbrush before admitting any female into your home.

Furthermore, you must remember that what you actually said and did will probably cut no ice with the judge.

All that matters is how she claims that she felt.

In other words, your CCTV, your microphones and even your friendly witnesses are no goddamn use at all.

You needn't have bothered with them.

And so, whatever you do, don't let her into the frigging tent!